I Get All Of My Comedy From

Ethanol Is, In Its Pure Form, Just As Much Of A Sham As Oil.

I Touched An Oscar Once. Friend Of Mine Has One, For Writing. As Soon As I Touched It, He Said, Now You'll Never Win One.

The Show Is A Satire, Which Gives Us Freedom To Do Anything We Want. Satire Is The Magic Word That Wipes Away Any Culpability. The Media Is Jealous Of This Freedom.

I Always Fancied Myself More Of An Actor Than A Comedian Before I Realized That Only Assholes Make That Kind Of Distinction.

I Don't Feel Rivalry. I'm The Least Competitive Person You'll Meet Ever, To A Fault.