I Enjoy Bathing, As Many Europeans Don't.

I Think I'll Be Scottish In Every Movie I Write. They Always Try To Talk Me Out Of It, But Woody Allen Is Always A Nebbish New Yorker. Why Shouldn't I Be A Goofy Glaswegian?

If I Have A Near-beer, I’m Near Beer. And If I’m Near Beer, I’m Close To Tequila. And If I’m Close To Tequila, I’m Adjacent To Cocaine.

Rush Limbaugh Says If The Health Care Bill Passes, He Will Leave The Country. The Democrats Are Upset, Because If They Knew That, They Would Have Passed The Bill Years Ago.

In Some Countries Women's Day Is A National Holiday And Men Give Women Flowers. In America Women's Day Falls On Another Holiday, Mardi Gras, Where Men Give Women Beads In The Respectful And Post-feminist Desire To See Their Naked Boobies.

Anyone Who's Just Driven 90 Yards Against Huge Men Trying To Kill Them Has Earned The Right To Do Jazz Hands.