I Don't Like To Drink Alone 'cause

What I've Learned About Comedy People Is That They're Defined By The Harshest Level They've Been To, Their Personal Auschwitz.

Soon, I'm Going To Meet Somebody Around My Own Age, And She's Going To Be Smart And Beautiful, And I'm Going To Date Her Daughter.

The Other Day My Twelve-year-old Says To Me, I Don't Feel Like I'm With You Right Now. You're In The Car With Me, You're Checking Your E-mail, You're Not Listening To Me, I Don't Feel Like I'm With You. And I Say, You Know What? That Was Your Mother's Gripe, Too. And She Was Right. And You're Also Correct. When You Cop To Something, You Get To The Next Level. In This Case, The Next Level Is: I Just Learned Something From My Twelve-year-old.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, Your Act Is Like Masturbation: You're The Only One Who Enjoys It, And You Should Be Arrested For Doing It In Public.

Friend Of Mine Just Told Me He Used To Be A Bad Alcoholic. I Calmed Him Down. Told Him He Was A Good Alcoholic Just A Horrible Drinker.