I Don't Like New Bands. I Don't

People Come Up To Me In Supermarkets And Demand Humour. And The Less Amusing I Am, The More They Piss Themselves. So I Say, "i'm Doing My Shopping, Mate, Ok?" And The Guy Will Be On The Floor In Hysterics. Quite Odd. Eventually I Do Have To Say Something Funny So I Usually Go For Something Pathetic Like, "it's A Nice Place To Shop But I Wouldn't Like To Live Here!" And They Roar Again. Wet Themselves. I'm Lucky Though That I Am Not Massively Famous, I Can Get The Tube Without Much Bother. Must Be Awful Being The Beckhams.

I'm Not Mother Teresa. But I'm Not Frank Bough, Either. I Am Getting Older And A Bit More Sensible. I'm Not Going To Be Popping Up In Dungeons Every Six Months. If You Catch Me Preaching Fidelity While I Am Shagging Chickens Then Throw The Book At Me. Otherwise, Leave Me Alone.

I Woke With A Start. At First I Assumed I'd Trumped Myself Awake Again.

I Happen To Have A Public Profile. Ditto Newspaper Editors. It's A Result Of What I Do, Not An End.

Guide Dogs For The Blind. It's Cruel Really, Isn't It? Getting A Dog To Lead A Man Round All Day. Not Fair On Either Of Them.