I Don't Do Impressions.

They Always Use The Word 'insult' With Me, But I Don't Hurt Anybody. I Wouldn't Be Sitting Here If I Did. I Make Fun Of Everybody And Exaggerate All Our Insecurities.

When You Do See Me, You'll Get The Idea From When You See Me That It's All Off The Top Of My Head. A Lot Of It Is A Beginning, Middle And The End. But It's Different Every Night. I Have A Lot Of Jokes In My Back Pocket I've Said Over The Years.

I Was Sitting In The Toilet And I Was By Myself. I Was Tired Of Playing With The Roller, So I Said I'd Better Write A Book.

Every Night When I Go Out On Stage, There's Always One Nagging Fear In The Back Of My Mind. I'm Always Afraid That Somewhere Out There, There Is One Person In The Audience That I'm Not Going To Offend!

Eddie Fisher Married To Elizabeth Taylor Is Like Me Trying To Wash The Empire State Building With A Bar Of Soap.