I Do Know Its Important To Keep

People Think Living In Your Parents' Basement Until You're Twenty-nine Is Lame. But What They Don't Realize Is That While You're There, You Save Money On Rent, Food, And Dates.

Sex After One Child Shows Down. After Twins... Ooh... I'll Tell You What It Is For Us. I'll Share It With You. Every Three Months. We Don't Plan It That Way. That's Just How It Works Out. It's The Weirdest Thing. You Know What I Do? Every Time I Have Sex, The Next Day I Pay My Estimated Tax. My Quarterlies Are Due. If It's Oral Sex, I Renew My Driver's License.

Well, I'm A 14 Handicap. Anyone Who Golfs Knows What That Means.

I Put Myself On Tape And The Cool Thing Was That Martin Scorsese Had Never Heard Of Me. He Had Never Seen [everybody Loves Raymond]. I Was Just An Unknown Actor To Him. I Don't Want To Sound Conceited, Like He Has To Know Who I Am, But That Seemed A Little Odd. He's A Film Genius. He Doesn't Watch Sitcoms.

Whenever I Get Down About Life Going By Too Quickly, What Helps Me Is A Little Mantra That I Repeat To Myself: At Least I'm Not A Fruit Fly.