I Didn't Need The Elf Outfit To

Don't Ever Have Two Dogs. That Way You Won't Know Which One To Blame.

One Of The First Things You Ever Learn As A Stand-up Is Don't Show Fear.

There Are A Lot Of Questions I Keep Asking Myself About Why I Do Comedy. I Guess I Laugh To Keep From Crying. And I Guess If You Ever Get Me Crying, I Might Not Stop. This Is The Way I Look At Tragedy Or Else I'll Cry.

You Shouldn't Get Too Close To The Truth, Because Then Maybe You Stop Being Funny.

When You're Going For A Joke, You're Stuck Out There If It Doesn't Work. There's Nowhere To Go. You've Done The Drum Role And The Cymbal Clash And You're Out On The End Of The Plank.