I Didn't Act Like I Was There.

Despite Russia's Move To Raise Interest Rates This Week, The Value Of The Ruble Has Continued To Crash. Russia's Economy Is So Bad, Edward Snowden Had To Put Government Secrets On Craigslist.

After Months Of Negotiations, Iran Has Finally Agreed To Reduce Its Nuclear Weapons Program. Which Was Great Until Putin Showed Up And Said, 'hi, I'm Here About Craigslist Ad For Nukes.'

A Recent Study Shows That Standing At Work For Long Periods Of Time Is Bad For You, After Earlier Research Indicated That Sitting For Too Long At Work Is Bad For You. So Really The Only Thing We Know Is, Work Is Bad For You.

President Obama Awarded A National Medal Of Arts To Author Stephen King. You Know, Because If There's Anyone Who Can Relate To The Story Of A Guy Trapped In A Mansion That's Driving Him Insane, It's Obama.

I Never Sing In The Shower. It's Very Dangerous.