I Didn't Act Like I Was There.

A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

Today, Mitt Romney Visited A Firehouse Here In New York City. Of Course, He Was Disappointed When He Learned That A Firehouse Isn't A House Where You Get To Fire People.

Thank You... Fantasy Football Draft, For Letting Me Know That Even In My Fantasies, I Am Bad At Sports.

Oh Here's An Idea: Let's Make Pictures Of Our Internal Organs And Give Them To Other People We Love On Valentine's Day. That's Not Weird At All.

Scott Walker's Campaign Slogan Is 'reform. Growth. Safety.' Which Is Actually Similar To Donald Trump's New Slogan: 'mexico. Money. Crazy.'