I Did Stand-up Comedy For Seventeen Years.

I Don't Like When Juice Wears Tights, Its A Horrible Combination When Juice Wears Tights.

When You Hand Someone A Camera, Why Do They Act Like You Just Asked Them To Dissemble A Bomb? They Take It And They're Like, 'what Do I Do ... I Don't Really ... Ha-huh ...' Yeah, It's The Button On The Top Right Where It Always Is Since The Beginning Of #*@! Time!

You Are The Director Of Your Own Life Story. Don't Cast Idiots Or People Will Walk Out During Your 2nd Act.

My Grandmother Died Of Natural Causes. Or As My Family Calls It Murdered By The Lord.

They Used To Beat Me Up After Sunday School, I Used To Get Beat Up... Yeah, That's A Nice Little Thank You From Jesus.