I Can't Stay Mad At Pope Frank.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

Do You Think It's Possible That When We're On Something Like Marijuana Or Mushrooms And We Believe We're Having A Really Spiritual Experience That We're Just High?

My Father Said, Bring Along Your Best Girl. This Is Something You Say To A Pimp!

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

New Rule: Someone Has To Tell Francesco Schettino That Embracing A Callous Policy Of "every Man For Himself" Doesn't Make You A Sea Captain. It Makes You The Republican Nominee.