I Can Do More Than Just Stand-up

Teach Your Kids To Make Deplorable Choices And Hopefully They'll Rebel And Make The Right Ones.

You Can Try To Steal The Thunder All You Want, It Just Reminds People I'm The Lightning. You Rumble In The Distance. I Light Up The Sky.

Time Machine... Wouldn't You Like To Travel Through Time? I Would. I'd Go Back... Mess With People. You Know What I Would Do? I Would Go Back To When My Mom And Dad Were Having Sex, To Have Me. Ya'know, Come In, Spank My Dad On The Ass I'm Your Son From The Future! Ahaha!

I Would Still Have Old Ladies Come Up To Me After The Show And Pat Me On The Cheek After I Had Said All This Vulgar Stuff. They Would Be Like, 'oh You're A Silly Boy - We Know You're Just Playing.

You Know You're Lazy When You Run Out Of Toilet Paper And Use The Cardboard Roll To Wipe With.