Honesty May Be The Best Policy, But

What I Became A Comedian For Was To Get My Art Out. To Get Some Of These Feelings And Things I Had On My Chest Out. I Don't Care If People Believe Them, Listen To Them, Change Their Ways, Or Think, Or Any Of That Kind Of Crap. I'm Interested In Showing Off. I'm The Same Kid From Sixth Grade Who Stood Up And Said "watch This."

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

I'm Tired Of Hearing About Innocent Victims. It's Fiction, If You Live On This Planet You're Guilty, Period, F*** You, Next Case, End Of Report. Your Birth Certificate Is Proof Of Guilt.

I Don't Get All Choked Up About Yellow Ribbons And American Flags. I See Them As Symbols, And I Leave Them To The Symbol-minded.

Never Underestimate The Role Pretension Plays When It Comes To Creating Euphemistic Language.