Honesty Is Nothin' Compared To Decency.

I Am Excited About Getting Back To What I Do Best And What My Audience Likes Best, I Am Writing New Jokes Every Day And Soon Ill Be Telling Them Every Night. Just Me, One Jew Talking And That's It.

I Don't Believe That Anybody Has Come To A Conclusion On Why Something Is Funny. It's Funny Because It's Ridiculous And It's Ridiculous For Different Reasons At Different Times.

The Clintons Represent The Highest Level Of Corruption, But No One Has The Courage To Mention It. Instead They Talk About Rudy Giuliani. Over A Lifetime Of Excellent Service, There's Never Been A Hint Of Corruption In His Behavior But Everybody Investigates Him.

They Call It Football, But The Object Of The Game Is To Bash The Other Guy So Hard That He's Eventually Carried Off The Field On A Stretcher. I Can't Watch Football Anymore. My Psychiatrist Said It's Better That Way. I Used To Watch A Game, See The Players In A Huddle - And Think They Were Talking About Me.

It Is More Profitable For Your Congressman To Support The Tobacco Industry Than Your Life.