Happiness Is A Privilege.

As You Know, Today Was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day Here In Los Angeles. No, All Across The Nation They Had A Day Without Immigrants, Is What They Call It. Or, As Native Americans Call It, The Good Ol' Days.

Wasn't It Thrilling When The U.s. Women's Team Took Home The Gold In Gymnastics? A Group Of American Teenagers Getting A Higher Score Than Chinese Kids? That Never Happens.

Well, Harry Reid And Other Members Of Congress, They're Just Furious Over This Olympic Uniform Deal. He Says We Should Burn The Uniforms, And It's An Embarrassment And A Disgrace. Not As Embarrassing As Congress Constantly Borrowing Money From The Chinese, But Still Embarrassing.

An Intruder Broke Into Mike Tyson's Hotel Room In Las Vegas While He Was Sleeping But Got Out Before Tyson Could Get To Him. I Don't Know What's Scarier. Having Someone Breaking Into Your Room While You're Sleeping Or Breaking Into Someone Else's Room And Finding Out The Guy Is Mike Tyson.

People Want To Say There Isn't Racial Profiling At The Airport, But Let's Be Honest. If You First Name Is Mohammed, And Your Last Name Isn't Ali, Leave A Little Extra Time.