Every Election I Have To Hold My

It Doesn't Matter How Smart You Are; To Audition For 'jeopardy,' You Just Have To Luck Out And Know What They're Asking You That Day.

I Don't Know What People Are Going To Think Of My Stand-up. If You Only Know Me From 'the Price Is Right' And 'the Drew Carey Show,' Then You Might Be A Little Bit Shocked. I'm A Little Dirty And A Little Opinionated But All In Fun.

Listen, You Don't Know Any Better So I'll Just Tell You. You Can't Try To Save Money By Not Having The Right Beer. You Know, You Can Skip Having Medical Insurance, You Can Buy Everything You Own At A Swap Meet But The Right Beer Is What Makes Living Like This Possible.

I Remember When I Took A Temp Job... So I Got A Job At A Department Store. Something Temporary To Put On My Resume, My Parents Said. Yeah... Till I Die!

People Laugh To Forget Their Troubles, And To Forget Their Troubles They Like To Look At People Who Aren't Doing Better Than They Are.