Every Day Is President's Day When You

Everybody Is Wondering What Paris Hilton Will Be Doing Next, And Hell, I'm Wondering What She Did Before.

President Bush Announced He Has A Five-point Strategy For Getting Out Of Iraq. Points Six Through 10 Will Be Handled By The Kerry Administration.

I Have Talents Aplenty. Unfortunately, Precious Few Of Them Have Any Redeeming Social Value.

Everybody Was Upset That Vladimir Putin Was Missing. He Was In Switzerland With His Girlfriend. She Had A Baby In Switzerland Because In Russia Childbirth Is Not Covered By Putin-care.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.