Dogs Are Too Much To Handle. I

For 15 Years Of My Life I Smoked, I Drank, I Used To Do Drugs... But During That Time, I Never Once Thought I Was Going To Die. But The Second I Set Foot On A Stairmaster -the Second- I Am Sure My Heart Is Gonna Explode And Blood Is Gonna Spray Out Of My Nose.

If You Let Someone Talk For An Hour, You're Gonna Have A Pretty Good Idea Of Who They Are, And I Think That's More Rewarding Than Me Sitting There Going, "that's Complete Bullshit About Health Care."

They Used To Have A Smoking Section At Most Airports. No More. They Now Have These Glass-encased Rooms. You're Not Just A Smoker, You're An Example To Other People. You're An Exhibit At A Futuristic Zoo.

For My Next Trick I Will Make Everyone Understand Me.

They Are Not Testing Comics For Drugs. If Our Job Is Dependent On That, There Would Be Three Working Comics In The Country, And Two Of Them Would Have Puppets.