Column Writing Is Like Gas - It

Because Drug Dealers Shoot Each Other In London, Norfolk Farmers Can't Have Guns To Defend Their Homes. I Mean, No One Wants A Gun - Except At 4am When They Hear A Strange Sound In The Kitchen.

The Problem Is That Television Executives Have Got It Into Their Heads That If One Presenter On A Show Is A Blonde-haired, Blue-eyed Heterosexual Boy, The Other Must Be A Black Muslim Lesbian.

Now We Get Quite A Lot Of Complaints That We Don't Feature Enough Affordable Cars On The Show So We'll Kick Off Tonight With The Cheapest Ferrari Of Them All!

Change Gear, Change Gear, Check Mirror, Murder A Prostitute, Change Gear, Change Gear, Murder. That's A Lot Of Effort In A Day.

A Turbo: Exhaust Gasses Go Into The Turbocharger And Spin It, Witchcraft Happens And You Go Faster.