Cell Phones Are Like A Dog's Nipples...

How Many People Here Have Telekenetic Powers? Raise My Hand.

I'm Learning Cuban. It's Like Spanish, But With Fewer Words For Luxury Items.

I Was Sick Of People Making Fun Of My Hair And So I Cut It Off And I've Got Much More Attention Than Ever Before. It Was Like When Mona Lisa Was Stolen From The Louvre In 1906 - Three Times More People Came To See Where It Used To Be.

The Nicest Present I Ever Got Was An Exploding Suppository.

I Read That Nine Out Of 10 Women Fantasize About Having An Unknown Man Leap Through Their Bedroom Window At Night And Make Mad, Passionate Love To Them. Who Would Think With Those Odds, I Would Now Be Facing 150 Hours Of Community Service.