Canadian Bacon Isn't Bacon. It's Ham.

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

You Can't Lie To Kids About Drugs. They Know About Drugs. You Can't Say They're Just All Bad. They Know Life Is A Little More Complicated. I Have Never Done Heroin. I Would Never Recommend Heroin, But It Hasn't Hurt My Record Collection.

Ninety Percent Of People Support Background Checks. Which Means Even People Who Can't Pass A Background Check Support Background Checks.

Sarah Palin Has Strong Opinions On The Libyans. She Said, 'marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman And Libyans Like Rachel Maddow Are What's Ruining This Country.'

There's A Phrase We Live By In America: "in God We Trust". It's Right There Where Jesus Would Want It: On Our Money.