Can We Talk?

I Was So Flat I Used To Put Xs On My Chest And Write, 'you Are Here.' I Wore Angora Sweaters Just So The Guys Would Have Something To Pet.

My Daughter Refuses To Call Me Mother In Public; My Little Grandson Calls Me Spongeslob Squarebottom, And Nobody Else Ever Calls Me At All.

Everyone Thinks Angelina Jolie Was The First Celebrity Baby Hoarder, But She Wasn't. Before Angelina There Was Mia Farrow. Mia Had An Entire Farm Full Of Children. I Think She Got Them At Costco.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done. You Can Tune Me Out, You Can Click Me Off, It's Ok. I Am Not Going To Bow To Political Correctness.

My Parents Hated Me. All I Ever Heard Was, "why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia? Why Can't You Be Like Your Cousin Shelia?" Shelia Had Died At Birth.