Buried My Wife The Other Day. Had

I Was Almost Put Out Of Business By A Well-meaning Corpse.

I've Been On A 46-year Diet Of Olives And Alcohol. The Latter I Consume. The Former I Save And Use Over Again In More Alcohol. In My Lifetime, I Imagine, I Have Consumed At Least $200,000 Worth Of Whisky.

There Are Better Things Than Sex, But Nothing Quite Like It.

I Always Made Up My Own Acts; Built Them Out Of My Knowledge And Observation Of Real Life. I'd Had Wonderful Opportunities To Study People; And Every Time I Went Out On The Stage I Tried To Show The Audience Some Bit Of True Human Nature.

The Advantages Of Whiskey Over Dogs Are Legion. Whiskey Does Not Need To Be Periodically Wormed, It Does Not Need To Be Fed, It Never Requires A Special Kennel, It Has No Toenails To Be Clipped Or Coat To Be Stripped. Whiskey Sits Quietly In Its Special Nook Until You Want It. True, Whiskey Has A Nasty Habit Of Running Out, But Then So Does A Dog.