Scotch Needs Water Like A Fish Needs

I Never Drink Water. I'm Afraid It Will Become Habit-forming.

I Feel Like A Midget With Muddy Feet Had Been Walking Over My Tongue All Night.

There Are Only Two Real Ways To Get Ahead Today - Sell Liquor Or Drink It.

Oh, Insomnia! Ah, Well, I Know A Good Cure For It... Get Plenty Of Sleep.

Variant: I Was Driven To Drink By A Woman. I Am Forever Grateful, Yet I Never Had The Good Manners To Thank Her.