Bullshit Is Truly The American Soundtrack.

I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

I Think Tobacco And Alcohol Warnings Are Too General. They Should Be More To The Point: 'people Who Smoke Will Eventually Cough Up Small Pieces Of Lung.'... And 'warning!! Alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Jerk Your Father Was.'

Granola Didn't Sell Very Well When It Was Good For You. Now It Has Caramel, Chocolate, Marshmallow, Saturated Fat And Sweeteners With A Small Amount Of Oats And Grains. Sales Picked Up.

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

No One Is More Himself Than The Moment When He's Laughing At A Joke. It's At Those Moments That People's Defenses Go Down, And That's When You Can Slip In A Good Idea.