And Some Sad News... The First Lesbian

We Are In A Code Orange. Homeland Security Said Earlier Today That Everyone Should Have A Roll Of Duct Tape And Plastic Sheeting To Protect Your House In Event Of Terrorist Attacks. Who Came Up With This Idea? Macgyver?

According To Geologists, About 100 Million Years From Now, Asia And The Americas Will Smash Together To Form One Giant Supercontinent. The Good News: Maybe All Those Jobs That Went Over There Will Finally Come Back.

Forty Million Americans Smoked Marijuana; The Only Ones Who Didn’t Like It Were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas And Bill Clinton.

Iraq Began Destroying Those Missiles They Don't Have Over The Weekend. See, President Bush May Be The Smartest Military President In History. First, He Gets Iraq To Destroy All Of Their Own Weapons. Then He Declares War.

The New York Times Is Reporting That Back In The '60s, Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Used A Letter From A Doctor About A Back Condition To Keep Himself Out Of The Draft In Vietnam And Then Spent 10 Months Skiing. Well It Sounds Like He's Done The Impossible. He Actually Made Bill Clinton And George Bush Look Like War Heroes.