After You Eat A Hot Pocket, Everything

I Got Married. My Wife Changed Her Name. I Know Some Women Have A Problem With That. But I Wanted Her To Have My Old Girlfriend's Name. So Call Me Old-fashioned, But This Fella Does What The Bible Tells.

My Childhood Best Friend Is An Anesthesiologist. It's The Least Amount Of Human Interaction For A Doctor. I Don't Think You Can Get That Burned Out On It.

When You Have Five Little Kids, You're Not Going To Open Mindy Kaling's Latest Book. You're Playing With Your Kids.

I Think It's Great Some Hotels Provide Stationery. Because The First Thing I Like To Do When I Get To A Hotel Room Is Write A Letter. "my Dearest Gwendolyn, I Arrived By Nightfall At The Embassy Suites. It Will Be A Fortnight After My Return That This Letter Shall Arrive. Allow Me To Explain The Curious Charge At The Ledger. It Is Because I Miss Thee So Much, Darling, I Accidentally Ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

I Don't Curse On Stage, But I Feel Like I Curse More Because I Have Kids And In Front Of My Kids. Not Intentionally.