A Sleeping Bag Is A Tortilla For

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.

I Wish My Name Was Brian Because Maybe Sometimes People Would Misspell My Name And Call Me Brain. That's Like A Free Compliment And You Don't Even Gotta Be Smart To Notice It.

As An Adult, I'm Not Supposed To Go Down Slides. So If I'm At The Top Of A Slide, I Have To Pretend That I Got There Accidentally. "how The Hell Did I Get Up Here? I Guess I Have To Slide Down. Whee!" That's What You Say When You're Having Fun. You Refer To Yourself And Some Other People.

Well, I Was Lost But Now I Live Here! I Have Severely Improved My Predicament!