You Won’t Be Able To Take Your

Actually, I Think All Addiction Starts With Soda. Every Junkie Did Soda First. But No One Counts That. Maybe They Should. The Soda Connection Is Clear. Why Isn't A Presidential Commission Looking Into This? Or At Least Some Guys From The National Carbonation Council.

I've Been Married For 10 Years And, You Know, It's Hard, You Spruce It Up And You Go Places. How Do You Spruce Up Anything? Artificially. You Go Places And Do Things.

Before I Was A Comedian, I Thought The Coolest Thing That Would Happen To Me Was Being A Teenager... Boy, Was I Wrong!

I Got Love From My Family. I Don't Really Need Love From A Paper, You Know What I Mean? I Can't Get Too Happy Because Somebody Said Something Nice About Me. I Appreciate It, But Let's Not Get It Twisted - This Is Not Changing My Life.

You Know, Some People Say Life Is Short And That You Could Get Hit By A Bus At Any Moment And That You Have To Live Each Day Like It's Your Last. Bullshit. Life Is Long. You're Probably Not Gonna Get Hit By A Bus. And You're Gonna Have To Live With The Choices You Make For The Next Fifty Years.