You Know Why Divorces Are So Expensive?

I Had Gotten Up To Two, Maybe Three, Packs (of Cigarettes) A Day. And My Lungs Were Bothering Me And I'd Had Pneumonia Two Or Three Times. And I Was Also Smoking Pot, And I Decided, Well, One Of Them's Got To Go. And So I Took A Pack Of Chesterfields And Took All The Chesterfields Out, Rolled Up 20 Big Fat Ones And Put It In There, And I Haven't Smoked A Cigarette Since Then.

Writing Books Is Fun Because After I Do A Show For A Couple Hours, I'm In A Bus For 22 Hours. It's Not Hard For Me To Look Out The Window And Tell A Joke Here And There.

On The Road Again, Goin' Places That I've Never Been. Seein' Things That I May Never See Again, And I Can't Wait To Get On The Road Again.

When I Would Sell Encyclopedias, I Would Drive Down The Road Looking For A House With A Swing Set In The Back, And I'd Say, "oh, Those Folks Got Kids. They Need Some Books." I'd Knock On Their Door And Sell Them A Set Of Encyclopedias, And Those Books Were From $300 To $600. I'd Look Around The House, And If There Wasn't That Much Furniture In The House, I Felt A Little Bad About Selling A $600 Set Of Books To People Who Couldn't Afford A Couch. So I Didn't Last At That Job Very Long.

Anybody Can Be Unhappy. We Can All Be Hurt. You Don't Have To Be Poor To Need Something Or Somebody. Rednecks, Hippies, Misfits - We're All The Same. Gay Or Straight? So What? It Doesn't Matter To Me. We Have To Be Concerned About Other People, Regardless.