You Know Me. Any Excuse To Put

I Just Like Observing People - It's Something I've Done Ever Since I Was A Kid, And I Got Really Good At It. That's A Big Part Of Why I Became A Comedian. My Audience Is Filled With Every Kind Of Person You Can Imagine, And I Love That.

I Still Have The Shirt I Wore My First Time On Johnny Carson's Show. Only Now I Use It As A Tablecloth At Dinner Parties. It Was Very Blousy.

Golden Eagles Have An Interesting Way Of Mating, Where They Connect In The Air While Flying At Eighty Miles An Hour And Then They Start Dropping And They Don't Stop Dropping Until The Act Is Completed. So It's Not Uncommon That They Both Fall All The Way To The Ground, Hit The Ground And Both Of Them Die. That's How Committed They Are To This. I Thought To Myself, 'boy, Don't We Feel Like Wimps For Stopping To Answer The Phone.' I Don't Know About You, But If I'm One Of These Two Birds, You're Getting Close To The Ground... I Would Serioulsy Consider Fakin' It.

We Focus So Much On Our Differences, And That Is Creating, I Think, A Lot Of Chaos And Negativity And Bullying In The World. And I Think If Everybody Focused On What We All Have In Common - Which Is - We All Want To Be Happy.

There's Lotion For Your Face, For Your Hands, For Your Feet, For Your Body. Why? What Would Happen If You Put Hand Lotion On Your Feet? Would Your Feet Get Confused And Start Clapping? Each Kind Has Something Special In It - Aloe, Shea Butter, Coconut, Cocoa Butter, Vanilla, Lemon Extract. That's Not Lotion. That's One Ingredient Short Of A Bundt Cake.