You Can't Fake Comedy - It's Not

Men Lie The Most, Women Tell The Biggest Lies... A Man's Lie Is, "i'm At Tony House, I Was At Kenny House!" A Woman Lie Is Like, "it's Your Baby!"

When People Try To Read Between The Lines - Critics, They Have A Job. Their Job Is To Make Something Bigger Than It Is.

When You Have Kids, There's No Such Thing As Quality Time. There's Just Time. There's No, 'ooh, His Graduation's Better Than Going To The Mall.' It's All Kind Of Equal. Changing Her Diaper And Her Winning A Contest - It's All Good.

If You Want To Prevent Abortions, You Make Sure Everyone Has Health Care, A High School Education And Birth Control. Not The Exact Opposite.

Who's Judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul Judging A Singing Contest Is Like Christopher Reeve Judging A Dance Contest!