When I Was Ten, My Family Moved

You Know What I Hate? Indian Givers... No, I Take That Back.

I'm From Downer's Grove, Illinois. We Had A Blackout There The Other Day, But Fortunately The Police Made Him Get Back Into His Car Before He Got Too Far.

Ambiguity — The Devil's Volleyball.

I Love My Family. I Came Home The Other Days. My Brother's Passed-out On The Couch, Holding An Empty Bottle Of Sleeping Pills. So I Called The Paramedics, And They Pumped His Stomach, And I Think He's Learned His Lesson: You Know, Never To Take My Last Two Sleeping Pills.

I Think It's Good To Know More Than The Average Guy. If I'm In A Bar Now And Some Pretty Girl Is Talking To Some Handsome 24-year-old Man, I'll Say, "okay, Who's The Emperor After Caligula? What Chief Mistake Did Marcus Aurelius Make In Choosing A Successor?" He'll Just Look Like An Idiot. She'll Just Gravitate Toward Me, I'm Thinking. It Works In Detroit.