When I Read Books It's To Escape.

If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.

Why Would We Go To War On Women? They Don't Have Any Oil.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.

Vodka Eyeballing Sounds Great, But It's A Slippery Slope. Next, You'll Be Scotch Nostriling, Tequila Nippling And, Before You Know It, Jager Tainting.

You Have To Have A Passionate Opinion; Otherwise You Sound False. You End Up Telling The Audience Jokes They've Already Heard.