When I Am King, I Will Revise

I Don't Like Those Men Who Claim That Their Wife Is Their Best Friend. . . . I Think Spouses Should Tolerate Each Other And Occasionally Have Sex.

I Don't Think I've Ever Seen Pie Advertised. That's How You Know It's Good. They Advertise Ice Cream And Other Desserts. They Advertise The Bejeeezus Out Of Yogurt, But I Haven't Seen One Pie Commercial.

I Got Drunk In Canada. I Was There For 2 Days But I Was Drunk There For 4 Days. I Don't Know How It Worked. I Guess It Was With The Time Difference Or Something.

I Didn't Have Any Success In Show Business Until I Was 30 To 31 Years Of Age.

As I Said In My Last Book, Birds Are Mean. They're The Only Pet That, When They Escape, The Owners Are Relieved. You Can Tell A Species Is Evil By Doing This Simple Math. If My Blond Lab Molly Was The Size Of T-rex, That Would Just Mean More Kibble, More Work For The Gardener In The Backyard, And A Harder Time Moving Her To My Wife's Side Of The Bed At Night. If Birds Were The Size Of A T-rex, The Streets Would Be Littered With Human Remains.