When I Am King, I Will Revise

I'm Harmless. I Don't Have Any Ill Will Or Ill Thought Towards Anybody. When People Know You're That Way, You Can Say Stuff That The Creepy Guy At Your Office Could Never Get Away With.

The Reason I Hate Publicists Is Because I Think If We Got Rid Of Them Everything Would Be On Equal Footing.

I Got Drunk In Canada. I Was There For 2 Days But I Was Drunk There For 4 Days. I Don't Know How It Worked. I Guess It Was With The Time Difference Or Something.

Maybe I'm Delusional But I'm Usually Funny. It's Not 100% But I Have A Pretty Good Batting Average.

The Reason Why You Know More Funny Dudes Than Funny Chicks Is That Dudes Are Funnier Than Chicks. If My Daughter Has A Mediocre Sense Of Humor, I'm Just Gonna Tell Her, "be A Staff Writer For A Sitcom. Because They'll Have To Hire You, They Can't Really Fire You, And You Don't Have To Produce That Much. It'll Be Awesome."