We Resort, Frankly, To Pies, Which Is

I Can't Say I Ever Wanted To Become An Entertainer. I Already Was One, Sort Of-around The House, At School, Doing My Magic Tricks, Throwing My Voice And Doing Popeye Impersonations. People Thought I Was Funny; So I Kind Of Took Entertaining For Granted It Was Inevitable That I'd Start Giving Little Performances.

The Closest Thing To Roseanne Barr's Singing The National Anthem Was My Cat Being Neutered.

Happiness Is Sitting Down To Watch Some Slides Of Your Neighbor's Vacation And Finding Out That He Spent Two Weeks In A Nudist Colony.

The Price Of Christmas Toys Is Outrageous - A Hundred Dollars, Two Hundred Dollars For Video Games For The Youngsters. I Remember A Christmas Years Ago When My Son Was A Kid. I Bought Him A Tank. It Was About A Hundred Dollars, A Lot Of Money In Those Days. It Was The Kind Of Tank You Could Actually Get Inside And Ride In. He Played In The Box It Came In. It Taught Me A Very Valuable Lesson. Next Year He Got A Box. And I Got A Hundred Dollars' Worth Of Scotch.

Democracy Means That Anyone Can Grow Up To Be President, And Anyone Who Doesn't Grow Up Can Be Vice President.