We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery,

In Washington, The Air Quality Today Was Described As 'red.'...you Know What 'red' Is? It's Bad For Everyone. Not Just Old People, Sick People And Babies. When It's Just Bad For Old People, Sick People And Babies, That's Called A Republican Budget.

It's Nine Months Before The Election And Bush's Poll Numbers Have Fallen To The Exact Level That His Father's Poll Numbers Were Nine Months Before He Lost To Bill Clinton. Today Front Runner John Kerry Said He's Not Superstitious, But Just To Be On The Safe Side, He's Going To Start F---ing Everything That Moves.

I Think Mitt Romney Is A Symptom. I Think The Problem Is The Republican Party.

I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

Well, The American Public Always Wanted To Vote For A Guy — And Bush Was The Perfect Guy — Who They'd Want To Have Over For Pot-roast. And George Bush Is That Guy. He Does That Well. You'd Like To Have Him Over For Pot-roast. He Reminds You Of Yourself. Okay. Well, Now He's Been Over, He's Had The Pot-roast. But He's Getting Drunk And Now He's Talking About Stem Cells And Terri Schiavo And Gay Marriage. And Now He's The Guest That Won't Leave.