Tomorrow Is Your Future's Yesterday.

The Afghan Government Is As Corrupt As A Prostitute With A Law Degree.

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

I Enjoy Bathing, As Many Europeans Don't.

President Obama Said That We Rely Too Much On Gadgets. He Gave A Passionate Speech About Technology, But He Had To Stop When The Teleprompter Broke.

You Know Who Sang At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding? Elton John! According To Rush, Gay People Can Sing At Weddings. Just Not Their Own.