Today, John Kerry Announced A Fool-proof Plan

President Bush Says In The Last Month He Has Created 300,000 New Jobs. Yeah, They're Called Kerry Campaign Workers.

Federal Authorities Have Informed Martha Stewart's Lawyers She Will Be Indicted For Her Role In The Imclone Insider Trading Scandal. Good News For Martha - Stripes Are Back In This Year.

Senator Hillary Clinton Is Attacking President Bush For Breaking His Campaign Promise To Cut Carbon Dioxide Emissions, Saying A Promise Made, A Promise Broken. And Then Out Of Habit, She Demanded That Bush Spend The Night On The Couch.

I Don't Want To Scare Anybody Here But We Just Received Word From Police That Howard Dean Is Loose And May Be Armed With A Microphone.

My Brother Asked Me Once, 'are You A Misanthrope?' And I Said, 'no, I Just Find People Irritating.'