There Are Really Only So Many Foods

Can You Remember When You Didn't Want To Sleep? Isn't It Inconceivable? I Guess The Definition Of Adulthood Is That You Want To Sleep.

I Got My Dog Three Years Ago Because I Was Drunk In A Pet Store. We Had Nine Cats At The Time. The Cats Started Hiding The Alcohol After That.

I Did Auditions At A Club Called The Comedy Connection. They Wanted Nothing To Do With Me. But One Night They Were Doing A Night Of All Women Comics, And They Invited Me To Do That.

When Every High School Graduate Can Spell The Word, 'inauguration,' Let's Put Lampshades On Our Heads And Listen To His Speeches Until Obama's Voice Gives Out.

The Problem With Cats Is That They Get The Exact Same Look On Their Face Whether They See A Moth Or An Axe-murderer.