The Role Of A Comedian Is To

I'll Die Young, But It's Like Kissing God.

I've Been Accused Of Bad Taste, And I'll Go Down To My Grave Accused Of It And Always By The Same People, The Ones Who Eat In Restaurants That Reserve The Right To Refuse Service To Anyone.

Never Tell. Not If You Love Your Wife...in Fact, If Your Old Lady Walks In On You Deny It. Yeah. Just Flat Out And She'll Believe It: "i'm Tellin' Ya. This Chick Came Downstairs With A Sign Around Her Neck 'lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I Didn't Know What I Was Goin' To Do.

Every Tribe Needs A Good Front Man To Sell The Program. Who Better To Convince The Middle East To Give Up The Oil, Than A Brown Man With A Muslim Name?

Darwin's Theory Is As Dead As He Is. Everyone Is Surviving, Fit Or Not. Years Ago, Any Kid Dumb Enough To Chase A Shiny Object Down A Well Was Dead, And Out Of The Gene Pool. Now They Got The Technology And Medicine To Save The Fool So He Can Breed More Open Mouth Breathers.