The Role Of A Comedian Is To

Today's Comedian Has A Cross To Bear That He Built Himself. A Comedian Of The Older Generation Did An Act And He Told The Audience, This Is My Act. Today's Comic Is Not Doing An Act. The Audience Assumes He's Telling The Truth. What Is Truth Today May Be A Damn Lie Next Week.

Never Tell. Not If You Love Your Wife...in Fact, If Your Old Lady Walks In On You Deny It. Yeah. Just Flat Out And She'll Believe It: "i'm Tellin' Ya. This Chick Came Downstairs With A Sign Around Her Neck 'lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I Didn't Know What I Was Goin' To Do.

I Wanted Out Of The Navy So Bad In '45, I Faked Homo To Get A Discharge. It Didn't Matter That The Germans Surrendered, I Knew We Were Heading To Japan And I Was Done With That Scene.

There Are Never Enough I Love You's.

Never Trust A Preacher With More Than Two Suits.