I Never See The Glass Half Empty

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

I Just Like Observing People - It's Something I've Done Ever Since I Was A Kid, And I Got Really Good At It. That's A Big Part Of Why I Became A Comedian. My Audience Is Filled With Every Kind Of Person You Can Imagine, And I Love That.

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

Leaning Forward In Your Chair When Someone Is Trying To Squeeze Behind You Isn't Enough. You Also Have To Move The Chair.

I'm So Unfamiliar With The Gym, I Call It James!