The Big Political News, Arnold Schwarzenegger Announced

Today, John Kerry Announced A Fool-proof Plan To Wipe Out The $500b Deficit. John Kerry Has A Plan, He's Going To Put It On His Wife's Gold Card.

As The Democrats Get Revved Up At Their Convention In Boston, President Bush Is Fighting Back The Only Way He Knows How: By Going On Vacation! Ah, It's Nice To Take A Rest, Replenish Your Supply Of Smirks. The Vacation Was Expected, Because Bush Traditionally Takes A Month Off Every Summer To Relax And Avoid Reading National Security Warnings.

The Big Political News, Arnold Schwarzenegger Announced He's Running For Governor Of California, And Already, People Are Chanting, 'four More Vowels, Four More Vowels.

Clinton Said He Feels Safe In Harlem. It's The Only Place In The State Hillary Is Scared To Look For Him After Dark.

Comedy Doesn't Always Have To Come From A Dark Place.