Swiss Cheese Is A Rip-off It's The

Some Comics Get Drunk Before A Show. I Don't. When I Get Drunk, I Don't Want To Stand In Front Of A Bunch Of People That I Don't Know. That Does Not Sound Comfortable. Why Have All These People Gathered? And Why Am I Elevated And Not Facing The Same Way As Everyone Else? And What Is This Electric Stick In My Hand? I Want A Chair Too!

People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.

Earlier I`ve Done Hatever I Could Get My Hands On To Do For A Living. I Tried A Couple Of Different Things, But Kitchen Work Was The Best For Me, Because I Took To A Nomadic Lifestyle Before I Started Doing Comedy. If You Travel And Get To A Town And Need A Job, Restaurants Are Always There.

I Think Pickles Are Cucumbers That Sold Out. They Sold Their Soul To The Devil, And The Devil Is Dill.

I Bought A Scratch Off Lottery Ticket, But Then I Accidentally Spilled Calamine Lotion On It, So It Did Not Need To Be Scratched. Shoot! I Will Not Know If I Have Won!