Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

Once You Leave The Womb, Conservatives Don't Care About You Until You Reach Military Age. Then You're Just What They're Looking For. Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Raise Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

Baseball Is A Nineteenth-century Pastoral Game. Football Is A Twentieth-century Technological Struggle.

The Captain Has Just Turned On The Fasten-seat-belt-sign. He Didn't Mean To, But The Joint He Was Smoking Fell In His Lap, And When He Jumped Up, His Head Hit The Switch.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Are A Few I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was."; "drinking Will Significantly Improve Your Chances Of Murdering A Loved One."; "if You Drink Long Enough, At Some Point You Will Vomit Up The Lining Of Your Stomach."; "use This Product And You May Wake Up In Morocco Wearing A Cowboy Suit And Tongue-kissing A Transmission Salesman."