Since I Was A Kid, Every Thanksgiving

What's So Fascinating And Frustrating And Great About Life Is That You're Constantly Starting Over, All The Time, And I Love That.

Whoo-hoo-hoo, Look Who Knows So Much. It Just So Happens That Your Friend Here Is Only Mostly Dead. There's A Big Difference Between Mostly Dead And All Dead. Mostly Dead Is Slightly Alive. With All Dead, Well, With All Dead There's Usually Only One Thing You Can Do. Go Through His Clothes And Look For Loose Change.

In High School, I Was The Class Comedian As Opposed To The Class Clown. The Difference Is The Class Clown Is The Guy Who Drops His Pants At The Football Game, The Class Comedian Is The Guy Who Talked Him Into It.

I've Always Thought That The Key To A Good Sex Life Is Variety. That's Why God Gave Me Two Hands. Humans Love Sex, We Need Sex, It's How We Connect, It Reminds Us We're Alive, It's The Third Most Basic Human Need, After Food And Good Movie Popcorn.

At Some Point I Stopped Stand-up Because I Didn't Have Something To Say On A Nightly Basis.