(on Fox News).... It's Like Watching A

America Used To Live By The Motto "father Knows Best." Now We're Lucky If "father Knows He Has Children." We've Become A Nation Of Sperm Donors And Baby Daddies.

Sixty Eight Percent Of Republicans Don't Believe In Evolution. On The Other Hand, Only Five Percent Of Monkeys Believe In Republicans.

If Poor People Want Food Stamps, They Should Become Massive Corporations.

Forgot To Live-tweet The Election Last Night, So I'm Post-tweeting Today. I'll Start As Soon As My Fingers Unclench From Their Rage Fists.

We [comics] Create Our Own Reality On The Show. I'm In A Cocoon Of The Character's Creation. Even Within That Reality, He's In A Cocoon. While I'm An Improviser And Enjoy Discovery, The Show Follows A Script. I Have A Pretty Good Idea What's Going To Happen. It's A Very ­crafted, Controlled Environment.