My Wife Is A Saint. She's Gandhi.

You Can Talk About Things Indirectly, But If You Want To Talk How People Really Talk, You Have To Talk R-rated. I Mean I've Got Three Incredibly Intelligent Daughters, But When You Get Mad, You Get Mad And You Talk Like People Talk. When A Normal 17-year-old Girl Storms Out Of The House Or 15-year-old Boy Is Mad At His Mom Or Dad, They're Not Talking The Way People Talk On Tv. Unless It's Cable.

I Was Going To Do A Big Radio Show, And I Said To My Driver, 'radio Can Wait, Take Me To The Full House House.' It Literally Was A Drive-by. I Photobombed The Full House House Yesterday. I Took Like 20 Pictures Because I Thought I Didn't Look Good In Any Of These - You Can't See The House! You Gotta Really Show That That's The House!

My Dad Told Me If I Was Ever Intimidated By Anyone, Just Picture Them With Their Clothes Off. He Said That's How He Dealt With My Mom.

I Think Comedy Is On An Organic Upsurge Right Now Because When I Started, It Was 1978 At The Comedy Store And Letterman Had Just Stopped Emceeing His Morning Show.

What Do You Do If You're In The Car And Your Girlfriend Touches Your Crotch Then Asks You To Remind Her To Get Kitchen Scissors?