My Stockbroker Asked Me Something Important Today:

Bin Laden Was Once Targeted By President Clinton. President Clinton Wanted To Kill Him But Couldn't Get Him. Of Course Not, We All Know What Kind Of Aim Clinton Has.

You See The Pictures In The Paper Today Of John Kerry Windsurfing? He's At His Home In Nantucket This Week, Doing His Favorite Thing, Windsurfing. Even His Hobby Depends On Which Way The Wind Blows.

British Scientists Say They Have Developed A Super Broccoli That Can Help Fight Heart Disease. You Know, If You Want To Fight Heart Disease, Why Don't You Come Up With A Food People Will Actually Eat? Like A Super Glazed Doughnut.

They Always Say The Miss America Pageant Isn't A Beauty Contest, It's Really A Scholarship Program. If That's The Case, Why Don't We Just Put All The Contestants On 'jeopardy!' And Pick Miss America That Way? At Least You Get The Smartest One.

Rick Perry Has Made So Many Gaffes Lately, It Is Hard To Tell If He's Running Against President Obama Or Joe Biden.