My Marriage License Reads, 'to Whom It

I'm The Only Man In The World With A Marriage Licence Made Out To Whom It May Concern.

I've Been Short All My Life. And If Anyone Wonders What My Dying Wish Will Be, They Can Stop Wondering. That Will Be Easy. I'll Just Tell Them, 'i'll Have A Short Bier.'

Hollywood Has Unfortunately Become A Memory. It's Nothing But A Sign On The Side Of A Hill.

Someone Once Asked Me What I Want On My Epitaph When I Pass Away. Just The Words 'i Tried.' That's What This Game Of Life Is All About. Trying. There's The Tryers, The Criers, And The Liars.

Had I Been Brighter, The Ladies Been Gentler, The Scotch Been Weaker, Had The Gods Been Kinder, Had The Dice Been Hotter, This Could Have Been A One-sentence Story: Once Upon A Time I Lived Happily Ever After.