My Iq Is Somewhere Between Spiro Agnew's

It's Lamented That The Youth Get Their News From Jon Stewart And Stephen Colbert. It's Lamentable That They Get More From Them Than From The News.

All Three Of My Parents - I Also Had A Stepmother - Were Teachers, And My Dad Taught High School, And As He Always Reminded Me When I Was Going To Spend Some Money On Something, 'your Mother And I, In The Depression, Had To Decide Whether To Spend A Dime On A Loaf Of Bread Or If We Could Go To A Movie With It.'

I Did Standup While Still Working For Johnny Carson In The Mid-'60s, Thus Gaining The Advantage Of At Least Getting Laughs From Him About How I Hadn't The Night Before.

If (o.j. Simpson) Is Acquitted, I Will Renounce My Citizenship. And If I Converse With Him At A Cocktail Party, I Will Say, 'well, There Are So Many People Here Who Haven't Murdered Anyone. I Think I'll Go Talk To Them.' I'll Also Riot.

Perhaps The Saddest Irony Of Depression Is That Suicide Happens When The Patient Gets A Little Better And Can Again Function Sufficiently.